He is so precious!!

I always feel like there's so much to tell that I don't know where to begin. This is why I never blogged or did much on Facebook before or why I didn't scrapbook until a dear friend roped me into that here in the last year.  There's a perfectionist side to me.  One that wants to really get it right, but the only thing that has made this blogging doable for me has been that I have had to leave that behind.  I just make myself sit down and capture where we are.  And I am fighting sleep right now.  I try not to pick over the wording or fuss over how I'm saying things because if I did it wouldn't happen.

I wish I could tell you what all has transpired in the last few days, but I see awe and wonder in the face of a child.  He's figuring things out and I wonder often what in the world is going through his mind.  Sometimes I think he must be confused like when he watched Jeff riding on the riding lawn mower tonight.  He was mesmerized.  I wasn't there to see what he has and has not seen in the first two years of his life.  I can only imagine.  And the other day, he looked at me like is it okay to step in the green, wet stuff (it was the grass with waterdrops on it from the sprinkler).  And tonight he pointed to the crib as I was rocking him which meant "put me in there" and I wondered what he's thought about the other 3 cribs he's had in the last 2 weeks and then the crib he had in the orphanage over a year ago and then the bed he had with his foster mother (hard as a brick and covered by a bamboo mat to help keep them cool).  Does he know he's home?  I guess he'll figure it out in a few weeks when we don't move to another hotel room or other house.  Where in the world did he think we were going on that 15 hour flight?  He doesn't speak English but I talk to him in English and told him, but I don't think he understands.  I wouldn't. 

And then there's the look of amazement in his eyes.  What's that thing on the wall that you keep putting things in to warm stuff up (it was the microwave).  And then just he and I sitting in the yard listening to the birds and looking around.  And then seeing more "chocolate" colored skinned people today at the doctor's office (this is meant with great affection as I learned the term from another adoptive family at the airport as he stared at their adopted African American, dark-skinned daughter).  Praise God for the little things.  His hand has been upon Jake!  And then, the cats!!!  Oh my!!!  He is mesmerized by them.  They are amazing creatures.  He loves them to rub his legs and wants them to go through them.  And a bath with toys...that's the best thing ever. 

He's tough.  I have only heard him cry a couple of times from getting hurt.  Even today while getting his second TB test (it's an injection just under the skin), the most he did was make a sound like "OH, this is hurting".  It was precious.  My girls just could not get over his facial experssion.  Their hearts were so touched somehow.  But pain came when we got in the car and he bit down on the sucker we had given him and it must have hurt the new tooth that's coming in because he wailed.  I've seen that child walk into walls, do forward rolls into corners and sharp edges, fall face forward and he just doesn't cry, but somehow that little erupting tooth combined with a dum, dum lollipop just HURT.  He cried.  I am grateful that he can be a child.  I want to help him to just be two years old. 

I don't know how much I blogged about this, but being in China was really hard for me.  I was disappointed in myself that I felt so fragile.  I wanted more compassion but felt like a mother bear souped up on steroids and only wanted to protect my brood.  I wanted to feel "one with the people" but felt a bit in survival mode.  Sometimes our expectations just aren't in line with reality.  We don't even know ourselves.  But God does. 

I am so happy to be home.  We are so blessed.  Jake is so, so precious.  We are enjoying him so much.  He is a joy and precious addition to our family.  He is full of life and responding well to our love and training.  What joy!!  God has a plan for Jake.  I truly believe that He wants Jake to know and serve Him and that He has given us that responsibility to train him up in the Lord's ways.  I am beginning to understand that I won't do it perfectly and that it's okay so long as my hope and trust is rooted in The Perfect One.  God is faithful and trustworthy.  He isn't dependent on us being perfect but wants us to be perfectly dependent on Him.  Why did it take me so long to get this?  I think the Enemy doesn't have to work too hard on some of us because we let our thoughts of falling short be too prominent when instead we should think, if we have trusted in His provision through Christ, of the grace and forgiveness that has been granted.  I still long to be like Him.  I think I always will.  But I also know I won't be like Him until heaven and that it's okay.  I will have to remind myself of this many times over the years I'm sure.  His grace is sufficient and He too is precious.